A COBRA Report on
Washington Presidents Pitcher Bill Clinton
Copyright © 1998 by the Cosmic Baseball Research Alliance
COBRA Study Group
Ralph Waldo Emerson, Chairman; Andrew Breton; Jerry Falwell;
Gary Hart; Daniel Quayle; Paul Rubens; Frank Zappa
THE COMMISSIONER of the Cosmic Baseball Association assigned to the Cosmic Baseball Research Alliance the task of researching the disciplinary options available to the Association when a cosmic baseball player is impeached from an elected office.
The case in question involves Bill Clinton, a starting left-handed pitcher for the Washington Presidents in CBA's Overleague. Clinton is also the 42nd President of the United States of America. Clinton joined the Washington Presidents in January 1993 when his U.S. presidential term commenced.
In 1996 and 1997 President Clinton became involved in an adulterous affair with a young White House intern. By 1998 news of the illicit relationship became public and Clinton was subjected to an exhaustive investigation by the Office of the Independent Counsel resulting in the now infamous "Starr Report" submitted to the U.S. House of Representatives. The "Starr Report" enumerated several possible impeachable actions committed by President Clinton. These actions included perjury and obstruction of justice.
In August of 1998 as a result of the allegations the Washington Presidents placed Clinton on the Morally Disabled List. Players on the MDL cannot compete in official cosmic games. However a cosmic player can only be placed on the MDL for a maximum of 90 days. At the end of the 90-day period the cosmic player must be reinstated or released. No Washington President has ever been released.
At the time of the writing of this report the Judiciary Committee of the U.S. House of Representatives was considering a formal impeachment inquiry based on the allegations contained in the "Starr Report." There is no certainty that Clinton will be impeached. However, if Clinton is impeached, the Commissioner of the CBA would like to have a recommendation on a course of action as it relates to Clinton's status as a cosmic baseball player.
Historically the discipline of cosmic baseball players is handled at the team or league level. In certain instances the Commissioner will intervene for the good of the game. For example in the 1980s the Commissioner intervened in a dispute that involved several team players insisting on their right to play the game au natural. Moral guardians objected to naked baseball players because, they alleged, it had a corrupting influence on children. The team's management, bowing to public pressure, attempted to place the naked players on the MDL. Most teams use the Morally Disabled List as a useful and temporary punitive measure when a cosmic player's moral actions warrant an ethical reaction. However the cosmic players appealed this course of action to the Commissioner. Ultimately the Commissioner revoked the MDL assignment and in exchange the players agreed to play wearing their baseball uniforms.
Standards of behavior vary from team to team and for the most part this arrangement has worked successfully. In the case of the Washington Presidents, the team, with the Commissioner's concurrence agreed that U.S. Presidents who resigned from their office would still be eligible to play cosmic baseball. The case in point was Richard Nixon who resigned from his office in 1974. In 1982 when CBA created the Washington Presidents, Nixon was an original member of the pitching staff.
Since in the history of the United States no president has been removed from office through impeachment no discussion of how to handle the situation of impeachment has hitherto occurred. The COBRA study group that researched this issue approached the problem in two stages. First we investigated the evidence that implicates Clinton in the immoral behavior. Second, after determining that Clinton had in deed acted in an immoral and unethical manner, we reviewed appropriate sanctions including the consideration of a banned-for-life option.
While we consider the "Starr Report" to be primarily the work of an individual with a "peeping tom" problem we have concluded that Clinton did in fact act in an immoral and unethical manner. Chief actions that are cause for alarm include Clinton's betrayal of his wife and daughter and colleagues and the betrayal of the public's trust in him as a political and moral leader. Also of concern was the strong indication that Clinton "mind fucked" his paramour, the young intern.
With culpability established the research group considered what disciplinary action would be most appropriate. The group indulged in a vigorous debate. Some held that regardless of his real world status, the Association ought to ban Clinton for life for his disreputable actions. Others suggested a limited banishment. Still others decided that regardless of his behavior Clinton ought to be permitted to play cosmic baseball. Other U.S. presidents have acted in clearly immoral and unethical ways and no sanctions have ever been proposed for them..
While the researchers were unanimous in their opinion that in the real world the honorable thing for Mr. Clinton to do would be to resign (thus making our deliberations moot) it was with some difficulty that the group reached the following fragile consensus. We believe that Mr. Clinton's real world problems are immaterial to his status as an active cosmic baseball player. The fact that he was twice elected president and has served in office is all that is required and necessary for him to have the right, if not the honor. to play cosmic baseball. His subsequent impeachment should not interfere with this principle.
While it may be appropriate for the Washington Presidents to institute a suspension via the MDL, the COBRA study group does not recommend that Clinton be banned from cosmic baseball. It is, therefore our recommendation to the Commissioner of the Cosmic Baseball Association that Mr. Clinton be permitted to remain on the official roster of the Washington Presidents.