November 29, 2004
Virgins Spark Controversy
The Vestal Virgins have sparked another controversy as they consider adding a rookie to their 2005 roster. The Virgins are looking to draft a utility infielder. They have narrowed their choice to three candidates who are teachers accused of engaging in inappropriate sexual relations with their students.
Beth Friedman was a teacher in Florida when she got involved with a fifteen year old boy. Amy Gehring was a Canadian biology teacher working in England when she had sex with students. She told police that she was too drunk to remember if she had intercourse with one of her teenage paramours. Debra Lefave was a middle school reading teacher in Florida when she began having sex with a 14 year old boy.
A petition signed by members of the Professor Alfred Marshall Memorial Society was presented to the Commissioner of the CBA. It decried the consideration of "female predators" by the Virgins and insisted that the practice be curtailed. Virgins GM Hannah Arendt responded to critics by pointing out that an individual's ability to play cosmic baseball "is not contingent on their moral or ethical fiber." In fact, Arendt said, many times individuals who in real life are corrupt "are transformed by their association" with cosmic baseball. "When did real life behavior become a criteria for selection?" asked Vestal Virgins owner Yoko Ono.
While friends of the Cosmic Baseball Association are free to express the opinions, to protest player selections and to file petitions with the commissioner, there are no rules that would prohibit the Virgins from drafting any or all of these women. The Virgins have indicated they will announce their draft choice before the end of the year.
November 28, 2004
Warriors Win Series
The Wonderland Warriors swept the Heartland Capitalists in four straight games, dominating the businessmen and economists in virtually every statistical category. The Warriors compiled a .263 series batting average, the Capitalists sustained a .183 average. Warrior pitchers amassed a 1.50 earned run average for the series, the Capitalists yielded an average of 5.03 earned runs per game. The Warriors scored 23 runs, the Capitalists had only 6.
November 21, 2004
Ionians Draft Vermilya
It is truly the season for controversy. The Alphatown Ionians announced today that they have selected amateur radio enthusiast Irving Vermilya, to replace the newly retired Robert Goddard on their 2005 roster. What makes the choice so controversial is that fans and pundits were certain Frank Joseph Malina, a distinguished aeronautical engineer and artist, was going to be drafted.
Advocates for the team to return to its philosophical roots see this development as another set back, coming on the heels of the September 20 announcement that Nicola Tesla was drafted to replace the deactivated utility infielder and pre-Socratic philosopher, Zeno. Some will argue that the drafting of Vermilya suggests that the team is even moving away from its science roots. "It is no longer just a battle between the scientists and the philosophers," observed one team insider.
Irving Vermilya, born in June, 1890 in New York spent his life in the service of radio, both as a professional radio station manager/engineer and as an amateur ham radio enthusiast. At the age of twelve his father took him to hear Marconi speak about wireless communications. In 1912 Vermilya received the first amateur radio license. He served in the United States Navy during World War I. After the war he managed the RCA wireless station in Marion, Massachusetts. His professional radio career began in 1921 and continued until his retirement in 1955. In 1964 Vermilya committed suicide. One biographer, speculating on the cause of Vermilya's suicide writes that he was upset at his wife's recent death and that he might also have felt that the "the radio industry no longer had a place for him."
Vermilya's addition to the Ionians could be a trend considering he represents a practical example of the wireless theories and experiments of Tesla. Radio science and technology might be replacing rocket science as an emerging theme of the team.
Vermilya's selection certainly irks the folks who were hopeful that another rocket scientist would be picked to replace Robert Goddard. Malina was the hands-on favorite of these folks.
Frank Malina was born in October, 1912 in Brenham, Texas. His mother and father were musicians and
his childhood was full of things musical. He received his B.S. degree in engineering from Texas A&M College in 1943 and then went to the California Institute of Technology (CIT) in Pasadena, California for further study. At CIT he became part of a group of individuals who collectively can be called the pioneers of American rocketry. In the 1950s Malina changed his focus from aeronautics to aesthetics as he became an exponent and maker of kinetic art. He used a variety of media in his artistic creations including wire mesh, illuminations, electricity, movement and sound. In 1968 Malina founded Leonardo, the official journal of the International Society for the Arts, Science, and Technology. Now that the Ionians have passed on Malina, the Bhutan Vanguards, if they are re-activated, could make a move for him.
November 14, 2004
Rove Replaces Hancock
The Washington Presidents announced today that political consultant Karl Rove will replace founding father John Hancock as field manager of the team. Hancock has managed the team for five seasons, becoming manager on March 27, 2000 when he replaced longtime Presidents skipper Benjamin Franklin.
The announcement of Rove as the new manager is bound to send out a few shock waves. Traditionally, the field manager's position has been reserved for historical American patriots (such as Franklin and Hancock.) There will be some who claim that Rove is not yet an historical figure. Others, swayed by ideological concerns, will argue Rove is not a patriot either.
Hancock compiled a .522 winning percentage as manager of the Presidents. In 2003, the Presidents best season ever, the team won 117 games and the Cosmic Universal Series. However, in 2004 the team slipped into the cellar and won only 68 games.
As an American Revolutionary, Hancock was called "flagitious" by the British. A wealthy Bostonian, he was elected to represent the city in the Massachusetts House of Representatives in 1766. In 1775 he was a delegate from Massachusetts to the Continental Congress. In 1776 he was commissioned a Major-General in the Massachusetts militia. He was elected Governor of Massachusetts nine times. James Monroe biographer, Harry Ammon, has this to say of the first signer of the Declaration of Independence,
Though seemingly in the vanguard of the revolutionaries, [Hancock] was not considered an independent figure but a tool of Samuel Adams, who played on Hancock's ambition, vanity, and inordinate love of popularity.
John Hancock Cosmic BaseballManagement Record
Karl Rove was born on Christmas, 1950 in Denver, Colorado. He grew up in Colorado, Nevada, and Utah. His father was a geologist. According to some biographical accounts, Rove became a Republican at age nine, when he supported Richard Nixon against John Kennedy in the 1960 presidential election. In 1973 Rove was chairman of the College Republicans when George Herbert Walker Bush was chairman of the Texas state Republican Party. Also, that year, Karl rove introduced his good friend, Lee Atwater, to George H.W. Bush. In 1981 Rove started his political consulting company, Karl Rove & Co. Mark McKinnon, a political consultant referred to Rove as the "Bobby Fischer of politics. He not only sees the [chess] board, he sees about 20 moves ahead."
Rove was a protégé of Donald Segretti, one of the convicted Watergate conspirators. At age 19, Rove engaged in so-called dirty political tricks when he broke into the campaign office of an Illinois Democrat and stole letterhead stationery. He created disinformation flyers on the letterhead. In 1986, just before a crucial debate in the election for governor of Texas, Karl Rove announced that his office had been bugged by the Democrats. There was no proof, and it was later alleged he had bugged his own phone for the media coverage the incident generated, but there was no proof of that, either, and no charges were ever filed.
Rove will be a tenacious manager. He is known for his strong temper and use of profanity. A frequently cited example is "We will fuck him like he's never been fucked before."
November 7, 2004
Robert Goddard Retires
Journeyman right fielder and American rocket scientist, Robert Goddard, announced his retirement from cosmic baseball today. Goddard was originally drafted by the Paradise Pisces in 1995 and in 1999 he was traded to the Alphatown Ionians. In ten years Goddard compiled a .264 batting average, and swatted 174 home runs.
Robert H. Goddard was born October 5, 1882 in Worcester, Massachusetts. After graduating from South High School in Worcester he attended Worcester Polytechnic Institute where he received his B.S. in 1908. As early as 1889 Goddard began thinking about rockets and space travel. In 1919 he wrote the groundbreaking A Method of Reaching Extreme Altitudes thus becoming the first scientist in the United States to publish a basic mathematical theory of rocket propulasion. Goddard pioneered the study of solid propellant rocketry.
November 3, 2004
Presidents Pass on Kerry
Some thought John Forbes Kerry would have made a fine addition to the Washington Presidents pitching staff. Others, citing his lame audition at Fenway Park this summer, thought otherwise. The former group pointed to the team's 4.20 earned run average for the 2004 season and clamored for some pitching relief. The latter group agreed that better pitching would help this last place team but they stressed that Kerry was not the man to help.
The Washington Presidents will not draft John Kerry. Given the rules that govern the team's ability to draft new players, improvement will have to come from within. The team will not be entitled to draft a rookie until the 2008 season. This means that not until 2009 will the team get any new blood on the field.
November 2, 2004
Election Eve Game
The 2004 Presidential Election Eve Cosmic Baseball Game was simulated at approximately 8:15 PM (EST) on November 1 and the news is good for John F. Kerry who is attempting to unseat the incumbent George W. Bush. Whether or not this personal cosmic game is predictive will be decided by the voters in the United States. It is, however, not clear, that such cosmic resonance can be relied upon. Even if Senator Kerry wins, who is to say it was because his cosmic baseball team played better baseball for nine innings than the Bush team?
John Kerry pitched well. George W. Bush batted well, but he also committed a fielding error. John Edwards hit a 2 run home run off George H.W. Bush. Karl Rove pitched well too. Cal Thomas took the loss for the Bush team. Ted Kennedy got the save for the Kerry team.
November 1, 2004
CUS: Starting Pitchers for Game 1
A Chinese military theorist will go against an American business entrepreneur in the first game of the 2004 Cosmic Universal Series. Wonderland Warriors manager George Custer announced his starter will be Sun Tzu this morning and late this afternoon, Heartland Capitalists manager Ayn Rand, announced her choice of Michael Dell. Dell had the better regular season statistics with a won-loss record of 15-12 and an ERA of 3.53. Sun Tzu's record of 14-14 with a 4.51 ERA could be misleading since he had a terrible first half (2-12) and a spectacular second half (12-2).
The Warriors have been to the Cosmic Universal Series three times (1987, 1989, 2001) and have won the championship each time. Apparently the Capitalists appear in the CUS every ten years. They have played in the Series twice (1984, 1994) and have a 1-1 record.
Game 1 of the 2004 Cosmic Universal Series will be played on Thanksgiving Day (November 25).
