COLUMBIA TO ACCEPT MANAGEMENT POSITION

Velocitor observers suggest that the Columbia's appointment is a sign that the deep rift in the franchise's front office over possible recruitment of unmanned vehicles may be mending. It's known that the wheel, owner of the Velocitors, has long favored equal recruitment policies but has encountered opposition from its general manager, the internal combustion engine, as well as from strongly human-transportation-oriented field manager the Appian Way.

However, forward-thinking team advisors have long advocated defining transportation by its ability to move not only human bodies but, by going where mankind is physically unable, human knowledge. Several heated arguments over the illusory nature of mind-body duality have been overheard in Velocitors headquarters in recent weeks, and both the internal combustion engine and the Appian Way offered no comment at this morning's press conference.

Player representative Rover 1, the Columbia's successor as shortshop, also offered no comment. It is known, however, that the Rover 1's team-leading 113 RBIs and 49 home runs made a tremendous impression on the Appian Way during the hard-fought 2001 season, in which the Velocitors finished in a three-way tie for second in the Underleague. Though the Rover 1 is a manned vehicle, its history of extraterrestrial usage might indicate a more enlightened feeling toward similar conveyances, manned or otherwise.

Sources close to Velocitors management hint that Columbia's upcoming mission STS-109, during which it will deliver payload to the Hubble Space Telescope, may serve as an initial recruitment foray. This is the first visit by the Columbia to the Hubble, as sister ship Discovery has undertaken all three HST Servicing Missions since 1997; a fourth trip by Endeavor, in 1993, corrected the Hubble's famous mirror imperfection. NASA has scheduled STS-109, also designated HST Servicing Mission 3b, for 28 February 2002. Representatives for the Hubble were unavailable for comment.